Monday, January 2, 2012
Pushing Away
who knows what i am going to do now. cant go back, cant go forward. in the middle zone of no return. must find a way to create the perfect setting for me to go to. i want to never return, its hard to say goodbye to those who you love, to those you dispise. its hard to never see one again. its something that i must do. for the better of me. i must get my mind away from the disturbing matter of these people who cause my heart ache. diliver me to a new place, a better place, i want to stay away. never to return again. see you in a years when all is well. when the past is behind us all. as time goes by all is forgotten for it is ancient in our history. the future is the place in which is seek, away to get to the better place. to save the pain of us all, to save the pain of my own, i wish to leave so i cant be hurt anymore. seeing a face of theirs is like a dagger in my heart. the smiles on their faces is unbearable while mine is stail of sadness. never forgiving is not the way i want to live my life. but i can not go back on what has begun. time is of the escence and i have to go before i never get the chance again.
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I have been there. Not exactly your situation, but one like it. You have to say goodbye and you feel like no one cares that you said it. Try to forgive and they don't even care that you did. It breaks my heart that you find yourself here. I'm quite literally tearing up as I write this. It hurts so much to be in that place. And yes sometimes/often distance helps. When you can get away, you can deal with your feelings and come back a new and better person.
ReplyDeleteVery selfishly I can tell you that I don't want you to go away. I want to see you because I enjoy what you have to say. I want to see you change and grow, but how does that happen you arrive only to be hurt every time? I don't know. And maybe it can't.
I do know you will get to the better place; a place of forgiveness, a place of strength. I also know that you will need help to get there. I know for a fact you will need help because I didn't have much. I did it on my own for like a year, almost 2, and that was DISASTROUS. Then I went to a new youth group and listened to sermons once a week. And it helped. I read the Bible and prayed. I heard God speaking to me and it helped. Even with that, I never had someone to talk to and it was like another 2 years before I got to a mostly healthy place. So 4 years removed, I finally got better and healthier and stronger. I don't want you to struggle like that. First read the Bible, even you don't get it and don't feel like it. Second, pray even when you feel like you are praying to the ceiling or the wall. Third, find a real life person somewhere that you can talk to or find a few someones. You know Drew and I are always available to you.
You are working/need to work on finding your new normal. You will eventually get to a place where life seems normal again, but it will be a hard road to get there. We are praying for you and thinking about how to mentor you like we should as your youth leaders. We don't have a solution yet, but we are trying. Please come tonight because Drew has something important to say. After today, we will come up with another idea. Does that sound fair?